IVF- Game Over!!

I’m sitting on my sofa in my duvet with a brokenheart. It is officially game over!! 

All this treatment and I’ve got nothing at the end of it “NOTHING” this is just so heartbreaking😭😭. I can’t believe there is no turning back πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”. I started spotting on the Saturday and I thought maybe it was down to us having sex and the pessaries, it continued Sunday and in my heart I still had hope and still believed it would be fine. I woke up on the Monday and it was still there but only slightly and I did a lot of googling and it seemed to be normal with IVF (apparently) so I done a pregnancy test in the morning and it came up with a weak positive. I thought yay least I’m pregnant and maybe one embryo implanted and the other never. I spoke to the clinic and nurse thought it could be due to the sex and the pessaries. That gave me comfort and I stopped stressing about it (not googling though). So the spotting carried on through to Tuesday and I was tempted to test again but I thought no I will wait until Wednesday OTD. I woke up around 3.30 all nervous/scared and excited and ready to test. I wish I never bothered the test had the weakest of weak lines (skinting was needed) πŸ’” I took the next test and on this one was a big FAT negative . I truly could not believe that it was negative it felt like someone played a big joke on me, a carrot was dangled in front of me and then stumped on so I couldn’t eat it. All I could do was cry and cry, I truly feel  broken inside. I made that awful call to the clinic to give the bad news (which I had to leave on a voicemail) when the nurse called back she told me that they believe the embryo attached but just didn’t develop 😭😭😭 this is basically a chemical pregnancy . I stopped taking the cycolgest and by around 3pm I was in complete pain with a heavier flow (it couldn’t even wait a day) so yesterday and today I have been in bad pain with a heavy flow (talk about salt in the wound) πŸ˜”πŸ˜ͺ😭😭😭

Now it’s time to try and heal mentally and physically. I don’t think I thought about how I would feel if it didn’t work, as I was fixated in it working πŸ˜ͺ. Ivf not working has been a massive punch in the stomach and I just don’t know how to deal with it.

I went to work today and I had about 4 breakdowns (damn this is hard) and I just don’t know how I can mend my broken heart again πŸ˜”.

I suppose they say time is a healer so I will give my heart time to heal.

  
Patty187 xxx

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IVF 1dp5dt

So I haven’t wrote on here since my day 8 scan and I started to write about my day 10 scan and I stopped half way through. I can’t even explain why I never continued it but I just felt that I needed to stop. I think I needed to have a break from talking/writing and breathing IVF. Well since my day 8 scan this is what has happened;

Day 10 scan– I arrived early in the morning as usual and went for my breakfast at the local garage (sausage bap and costa hot chocolate-yummy) at this point I’m feeling soo uncomfortable walking around with these extra large follIcles. I had my scan done and the nurse was very sure that I was ready and my response was I have been ready since Day 6, so she started to laugh. She went off to verify the sizes of each follicule and to bring my egg collection scedule, which needed filling in once I received the verification call later that day. The sheet had boxes I would need to fill in with times and dates next to how much gonal f to take, when to trigger, when to take my last syranel, when to have my last meal and drink and most important when the eggs will be retrieved. I was so thankful to be at this point as I was becoming very fed up being so uncomfortable. I received the call around 3.30 with the brillant news that I would have eggs collected on Monday 24th August at 8:10am yayyyyy (I guess I was part of the 10% after all) today was the last day of gonal f which was reduced to 100 and my last sniff of synarel was at 7pm on Saturday and my trigger shot was at 7.10pm and Sunday was a drug free day (the best day). That evening I took my gonal f and it felt so good it being the last one, however after I took the last dose I felt extremely strange and had to sleep for a few hours, I never felt that way before (maybe it was its goodbye gift lol).

Over the weekend I followed my schedule to the T and enjoyed my Sunday with no drugs 😁😁

Egg retrieval day– I woke up nice and early  around 5.30ish as we had to leave at 6.45am. I was gasping for a cup of tea (normally I have this straight away) but sas I wasn’t allowed I had to settle with water, which I was allowed to drink up until 6.10 (this water made me more hungrier than everything). We arrived at the clinic half an hour before surgery and was taken through to the recovery room to settle in. My partner was called about 8.10 to produce his sample and I was taken through around 8.25. I lied on the bed with my legs strapped and the IV was placed in my hand (it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would) the embryologist asked me to confirm my name and date of birth so did the doctor and then I started to feel extremely tired. Next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room with tea and biscuits waiting for me. When I came round apparently I said about 5 times I never had a dream lol. Once I was fully awake the nurse came in and said they collected 16 eggs ( I was very pleased). The rest of the day I spent at home relaxing and in pain and I was sick because I ate to much after the surgery (had a subway, I was really hungry) lol

Days in between-I received a call on the Tuesday morning from the embryologist confirming that 13 eggs fertilised over night ( I was over the moon) I carried on resting that day and I felt extremely uncomfortable/bloated and sore (especially if I never peed straight away) the pain was crippling.

On the Wednesday I went back to work and it just hurt with every move I made but I managed to stay there all day. I defo think I should have booked this day off.

On the Thursday I received a call from the embryologist who said I had 8 eggs which were still doing really well and that they would transfer on Saturday at 10.30. That news was just amazing as I wanted a 5 day transfer and to have so many good eggs still was more than I could have hoped for. I went into work after the call and spent all day feeling so bloated and uncomfortable.

On the Friday- felt the same as I have been all week bloated, bloated and more bloated!!

Egg transfer day 29th August 

This is actually the day when I will receive my embies in my womb (wow I can’t believe it). We got the the hospital around 10.30 and with a full bladder. We waited and we waited and I was getting more and more uncomfortable because I needed to pee so badly. At one stage i did get up to go and then I saw a couple leave the transfer room, so i thought yes it must be our turn so I sat back down. We finally got called through around 11.10 and we walked into the room and there was a doctor waiting and the door to the lab was open. We were instructed to sit down and the embryologist came through and said that the embryo’s werent as good quality as they had expected and that they are a little slower than they would have liked at this stage and that they don’t think any will make freezing (my heart just sank) she then said that we have picked the best two and we will transfer these and leave the other two to develop until tomorrow and call you with the results. ( I felt she was very discconnected with explaining and a little abrut) it could have been just her deliverance. The doc said after she went that it doesn’t mean that this wouldn’t still work so don’t be concerned. I thought how can I go from having 13 fertilised eggs to then having 8 really good ones two days ago to now having slow developing ones (this IVF stuff is so tough). They then carried out the procedure which was so uncomfortable as I needed to pee so badly lol. It was amazing to watch the two embies shoot out of the tube into my womb. I was then given a fact sheet and a pregnancy test with dates when to test. Once we was able to leave the room I bee-lined to the toilet so fast lol

After we left the clinic we went for some well deserved late breakfast and I spent the rest of the day at home relaxing (more because I’m so bloated and uncomfortable) 

Now I just have to keep praying that my embies stick and I become the mother I’m so desperate to be. I truly can say I don’t think I could handle doing IVF again πŸ˜ͺ so I truly pray that it works this time.

May god bless you all on your journeys.

Update- I just received a call from the embryologist who said that none of my embies would be frozen and I asked what were the grades of the ones I have in, she said one is at early blastocyst and the other at Morula stage. I truly hope and pray they stick I really do πŸ™ŒπŸΎ I actually feel really sad right now πŸ˜ͺ

Patty187 xxx

IVF stim day 8

Went for my day 8 scan yesterday and everything is still on track. My womb lining is at 9mm which I think is good and my follicles are still growing correctly. On my left side I still have 20 follicles with the biggest being at 17 (this side is quite painful) on my right side I have 14 now and the biggest was at 16. I have my day 10 scan tomorrow and I’m just praying they say I can trigger this weekend, for collection on Monday.  I really hope this is the case as don’t know how much more I can take feeling so bloated and uncomfortable. 

  
Patty187 xxx

IVF- stim day 6

Today is the day for my follicle scan πŸ˜‰ I was excited to see how the injections were working or in fact if they were working (after the pain they had to work) so since taking the gonal F I have been experiencing a dull pain in my left side (like period pain) and sex has become a little painful. I got up bright an early (4am to be precise) I have sleeping problems as I can’t sleep longer than 6hrs, which is annoying. I left home about 7.30 and got to the clinic at 8.15 and appointment was at 8.40(better to be early than late) When I got in I saw the nurse I had last time and I felt a little relived to see her, then I heard her call another patients name and my heart sank a little. It would have been nice to stick with the same person, the other nurse seemed a lil distant at first and I wasn’t sure if I was going to like her but I was wrong she was really nice.

She checked the lining of my womb and said it looked good and how it should be which she showed me (I just saw a slanted line) so I was pleased with that. After that she started to look at my ovaries and showed me all the nice big holes on the right side and she started to measure them. While I was laying there in silence looking at the celing I thought it would be fun to have something on the ceiling to read just to keep you occupied lol. She then looked at the left side and showed me the black holes and said she would go quiet again to measure them. She said they were growing very nicely and that my largest ones were at 12mm which was good and that I would probably stay on the same dosage of 137.5 of gonal F. I was like yeah no more injections after Friday and she quickly bursts my bubble and said I think you will be on them until Monday πŸ˜” and only 10% of ppl stop after 10 days (can’t I be the 10%?). When she left the room for me to get dressed I quickly grab my phone and take a picture of the monitor which shows all the measurements for each follicle and it looks like I had 20 eggs on my left and 13 on the other with 12 the biggest and 4 the smallest. I’m thinking that’s amazing to have so many follicles but then will they all ripen for collection? She did say that they would rather have a few good ones as that’s all they need and the smaller one probably won’t develop. So after I get dressed I start to pull out my scedule to write the dosage down and the nurse was like noooo don’t write it down until we call you in case it changes but I’m quite sure it will stay at the same dosage (I felt like an over eager school kid) so I embarrassingly put the schedule away lol. I then have my blood drawn which seems like I’m now immune to blood test hurting (this is a good thing I think) my pain freshold is getting better!!!! Yipeeeeee.

After my appointment I make my way to work (sad times when I want to go home) and I patiently wait for the clinic to call.  They called around 4 to say that my dosage will need to be decreased to 112.5 and that I would have to be back in on Wednesday for another scan. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing (I’m gona stick to it being good) Now I will have to break it to work that I need to be late on Wednesday aswell (great πŸ™ˆ) 

I will let you know what happens on Wednesday😬

Patty187 xxx

IVF- stim day 1

yayyyyy first injection done, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I actually think I just made myself all anxious about it. I’m ready for the next 9 days of injections and I’m so glad I only have to sniff synarel once twice a day, I think that’s worse than the injections. 

I’ve had a headache for the past three days and I don’t know if it’s the Synarel or the fact that I have been stressing about the injection.

Patty187 xxxx 

IVF – Down Regualation Scan

I had my down regulation scan this morning and everything was ok thankfully. My lining is at 4mm and my ovaries are clear :).

I was so happy to see the same nurse today and I hope I get her all next week, she is really nice and she even remembered me which was a great comfort. All the way to my appointment my heart was pounding and I don’t know if it was because I was on my own or because it was just pure worry that I hadn’t down regulated enough. So at the appointment she showed me how to take my injections (I’m so nervous about this) and apparently there is an app, which I will download in a minute.  Setting  up the pen with the dosage is really easy but I know the hardest part is actually having the courage to stick it into me (I’m such a wuss). I’ve asked my partner to help but he told me to call my friend (men are no help sometimes). He says I’m too dramatic lol (this is true). So it looks like I will be doing it on my own .

When I got to work I stared to feel so over whelmed, as it’s just dawned on me that in 2 weeks I will be having my eggs collected. What a scary but exciting thing, as I’ve never been put to sleep before and then I start to worry if I will have enough eggs and will they fertilise. I think I need to stop over thinking everything (easier said then done) I’m trying to stay on the positive train but it’s hard sometimes.

I had a discussion with my friend at work who went through IVF 5 years ago and I told her how I’m feeling and she kind of understands what I’m going through but at the same time she can’t really remember her experience. It’s a bit like who do I turn to that really understands and that can relate to what I’m going through right now. All my friends and family have been great but they don’t truly get it, they have all been able to concieve easily. This is a major thing and I kind of feel alone. I know my partner is going through this experience as well but he isn’t truly going through the day to day things like me. Ok so now I’m writing myself into a depression, I think this blog is really a God send and I’m glad I have place to write my feelings and also read everyone else’s experiences (probably said this before) but it truly helps.

Patty187 xx

IVF day 33

So I’ve been taking the synarel for almost two weeks now. I have had some serious ups and downs with this medication, to the point of wanting to give up at certain stages. I’m just glad to say that I’m still going and the side effects are not as bad anymore.  I have been suffering with headaches/ mood swings  and a serious sweet tooth (this is the one I can’t deal with the most) I’ve been eating so badly since I have been sniffing and I’m trying to find ways to control it (still haven’t mastered it yet). I worked so hard to loose weight to be able to get the IVF and now it feels like I’m just putting it all back on. I know that you need to be at good weight for the IVF to work and I was already at the borderline as it is. Think I’m going to have to train my mind to not want the junk food and chocolate (wish me luck).

Today I was just saying to my friend that I have  3 weeks till my eggs will be collected and this is such a nerve racking but exciting thought. All this twice a day sniffing will all be over in 3 weeks it’s all so sureal and scary. I truly just pray to God that this IVF works and I end up with a healthy baby. 

I’ve been reading so many blogs were people have not had good cycles and it truly breaks my heart.  To go through all this and not have the baby you so desperately want, is just so heartbreaking. I pray to the Lord every day that he blesses me with my baby after this intense journey. It would be so nice to actually be pregnant again and end up with a baby as I lost my babies at 7.5 weeks 4 years ago (wow can’t believe it was so long ago) I remember it like it was yesterday. It was just deverstating and I felt like a real failure, like I couldn’t do a simple thing and keep my babies safe. I’ve come to terms with the loss now and ive realised that it was Gods will, as he had a different plan for me. I truly believe this was the plan and this is the journey I’m meant to be on, so I’m going to embrace it and keep positive.

Ask, Believe and Receive!!!

Patty187 xxx

IVF- Day 21

So I started my synarel yesterday (the clinic told me to start day 20) I’m actually really struggling with this medication with the taste, constant sneezing after 10mins and the blocked nose. I have to keep telling myself, this is just part of the process, so I have to take the rough with the smooth to get my bundle of joy. All of sudden on Saturday I have been experiencing hayfever  ( which I never get) it’s like hello I’m sure your going to be sniffing a drug, so I’m going to come to make life a bit more difficult siggghhhh………

I’m feeling pretty rough, hot flushes, extremely tired and I’ve got a little of pain in the left side of my abdomen, maybe this is my period pain for the break through bleed. (I hope it ends soon) I’ve taken the first few days of work off, so my body can adjust to the drugs. (So glad I thought ahead)

However I’m just going to stay positive, this is part of the process I have waited so long to try. It would be extremely ungrateful for me to complain about it now πŸ˜‰

Patty187 xxx

IVF day 14

yayyyyyy my schedule has arrived Omg this makes it so real, and a week today I officially start my meds. Of course nothing runs smoothly, as they have got my cycle day 1- wrong and put me down as the 29th instead of the 30th, hopefully this doesn’t mess up the scan dates (always me) I will have to call them this morning and advise them of the error.

So I have about 3 scan dates booked and I’m not looking forward to the injections (I’m a big baby lol) but I’m going to have to  to suck it up, as my first injection is on the 12th August (hopefully) and egg colection is w/c 24th August. Wow it’s all so real and I’m soooo excited to get this started.

Day 15- So just an update- I spoke to the nurse and she has told me to follow my schedule and start on the 19th (day 20) she reckons that one day won’t make a difference. So the day after my birthday at 7am I will officially start my sniffy’s 😁😁😁 

Patty187 πŸ’‹